Gord Paynter
BRANT NEWS

VD – two letters of the alphabet that strike fear into the heart of every guy.

VD. Its mere mention results in guys twisting and squirming in discomfort.

That’s right, Valentine’s Day is upon us.

There is no way this day is the brainchild of a guy. No guy would put his buddies through this kind of horror unless he is a florist or owned a card shop. Heck, even I wince under the pressure of Valentine’s Day. What’s it to be this year? Flowers? Chocolates?  Both? (Guys, I’ve got a little insider tip: Gals do not consider Mars Bars a member of the Valentine’s chocolate family.)

Last year, I spent fifty bucks on Catherine’s Valentine’s gift. Fifty Bucks! I filled her car with gas.

Catherine has explained to me that a gift doesn’t have to cost a bundle. Then she dropped this bombshell: “It could be as simple as a foot rub.”

A foot rub! I don’t know why Catherine thinks I’d like to sit around rubbing her feet for 45 minutes. I get creeped out touching my own feet unless it happens accidently, like when I’m putting my socks on.

Putting the gift aside, selecting the perfect VD card is tough. One year, I left it so late my only option was a sympathy card.

Perhaps poor judgement on my part, but the word love appeared in the verse, like, a dozen times. “We know you loved him deeply. Loved his smile and you loved his laugh and loved the joy he brought to others.” Then it went on: “You loved this, you loved that, love, love, love.” It was sickening.

I knew this card was more wrong than it was right for Valentine’s Day, but I was in a real jam. So at the bottom of the card I scribbled: Happy Valentine’s Day Cath.

“Yes, it’s a very funny, cute little card, Gordon. Maybe I’ll give it back to you someday soon for the occasion it was intended.”

Two years ago, I scored a monstrous hit when I gave Catherine a Braille Valentine’s card. She thought it was so unique, so thoughtful that I would take the time to create this card. Cath was so moved by it.

I was just so glad she doesn’t read Braille, because all I did was rip a page from a Braille recipe book and made junk up as I pretended to read it.

“Our love is like a rainbow, beautiful, bright and strong. Add garlic and… Oops.”

This year’s card is hi-tech. It’ll allow me to sing and record any love song of my choosing. I’ve pounded out a nifty little rendition of The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again.” Maybe not the most romantic number, but I’m sure Catherine will appreciate that by simply closing the card. I immediately shut up.

So, Cath, what is it to be this year? Flowers, card or chocolates? . . . No! Not the foot rub!