Gord Paynter
BRANT NEWS

Concussions, concussions, concussions.

I grow weary and dizzy just hearing the word. Concussion. It’s like a constant ringing in my ears.

Concussion! Stop! Stop, make them stop!

And now it seems every sports report concludes with a concussion update. Who won the game and who lost the game is secondary to who’s now out of the game.

And why is the game always hockey? Never ballet or synchronized swimming. They have heads, don’t they?

Our current skulls have proven over and over to be woefully inadequate in protecting our brains from the knocks, drops and punches they receive. Concussions have become career-ending injuries and I think that is a disgusting shame. (Mind you, I once suffered a groin pull that I would have considered career-ending.)

What is the solution? 
More “no-teeth” rules governing shots to the head, or maybe the development of a medical procedure that would allow us to remove our brains prior to participating in a sporting or extreme activity where concussions could result. An extreme activity like carrying the garbage to the curb over an icy walkway or teaching your spouse the proper way to swing a three iron. (Tiger knows what I’m talking about.)

The infomercial runs:

“Simply pop the snaps along the base of the skull, your brain just slides out and into the convenient Tupperware container for easy storage. A tug on the right ear and your body 
slips into an automatic performance mode.” (I’ve had dates like that.)

“The ‘No Brainer’ is a no brainer and means no concussions. It is yours for three payments of $19.99.”

If not sold on the “No Brainer” solution, then I suggest two super helmet designs. In both cases, size is the key factor.

Envision yourself wearing something like a bushel basket on your head, anchored by a brightly coloured chin strap, or maybe we have it wired into our lower jaw bone.

Super helmet is flooded with the softest, gooiest, gushiest junk imaginable, cream cheese, Jell-O and feathers. Big goose feathers. No, sparrow or hummingbird fluff. It’d be like you were wearing a giant safety marshmallow.

The other super helmet 
design option would be to make it entirely of steel…
or granite! Imagine our brains entombed in six solid inches of granite. The advantages of granite are that it comes in some nice colour schemes and it’s easy to wipe. Unfortunately, the thing is likely going to weigh a couple of hundred kilos, but no brain is going to budge one single centimetre. And think of the neck muscles we’ll develop.

Naturally, kids will want to challenge the strength of their new super helmets.

“The kid just flung himself in front of that 20 ton paving roller. He was flattened beyond recognition, but thanks to his super helmet his head is okie dokie.”

So how do we put an end to concussions?

I don’t know, but putting an end to them is a must. It’s a “no brainer.”